my advisor saw me cry :(

It's approximately 9pm right now and I should really finish my History homework, but come on... No offense to Historians but how important is the Delian League to someone who will never go into History? Instead.... I'm going to tell you about a real hiccup in my life.

So just some background info, I'm a freshman and I go to a private high school that is pretty tough on the academics. Two weeks ago, I just took midterms for the first time in my life. Midterms at my school: 3 hour tests on every main subject (English, Math, Science, History, another Language), and one per day. Preparation for it was pretty stressful and it was new to me, but I loved getting out early everyday after the test. Anyway, today we got all our exam results back as well as our final grades for 2nd quarter.

At our school, we have an advisor system where each student is paired up with one faculty member who becomes their advisor. My advisor is a Latin 2 and Medieval History teacher who's soft-spoken, kind, and not very young. Oh, and has a huge passion for Bollywood movies. Today we had our weekly advisor meeting. This is what went down:

Advisor: So, let me show you your grades.

Me: (visibly nervous) Okay...

Advisor: Your grades are really impressive except there was one thing...

Me: *

*side note: My emotions were all over the place. The "really impressive part" got me excited but the "except" made knots in my stomach. I felt a whole range of emotions under 2 seconds.

Me: Oh no... (see first page) A-, A, A-, Pass, Pass

So far so good...

Advisor: Except... you got a C+ on your Bio Midterm...?

YES PEOPLE. She asked it like a question. Like, yes this happened, I guess? I think first I was shocked. Like no, that can't be right. Then I was like oh my gosh what happened what's wrong with me. Then I started crying.

You see this sad Simba? That was ME. Okay, on second thought I don't think this is the right gif because his dad is dead behind him? I'm not gonna push it that far....

This is kind of more accurate. But no, I was crushed. I was like DAMMIT STOP CRYING. But nope. The faucets were leaking. The waterworks were on. My eyes were like majestic fountains of despair--Ok, I'm gonna take a break from my dramatic description of my tears and take a little detour.

I'm an overachieving student. I went to a public school right up until high school and I went to a public school that was... Not as challenging as I would have liked? Let's just say, my hometown, which I love dearly, was an athletics hub, not academic. The school I go to now is a huge shift. It was advertised from the start as a school to challenge kids like me. They warned me: it's hard. it won't be easy. there's a lot of homework. And of course I accepted the challenge. And, I'm doing fine there as of now. It's challenging (wow what a surprise!), but I'm working my butt off to get A's. My peers don't always appreciate it. They think I'm ungrateful for that B+ especially at a school like mine, where everyone tells you that B+ is an A. I refuse to believe that, and sure, I've only been here for 6 months, but I don't think I'll ever believe that for the next 4 years. So when I got the C+ I was crushed. Even more so because Biology is my best subject. My average is a solid 98% and I've gotten a 100 on the last three chapter tests. And so what can I do when my advisor looks me in the eye and tells me I got a freaking C+? So I cried. And cried. I sniffled. And cried. Every four or five seconds she would say "Aw... It's okay..." and I wanted to say "it will be okay. Not right now, but soon" but how can a blubbering, incoherent teenager say anything like that? She read me my teacher's comments who chalked the bad grade up to nerves. Silly mistakes, misreading questions. My overall grade for Bio wasn't affected, I got an A. But my pride was wounded and I felt sick. I felt hurt. I was angry at myself and at the Test Gods. And I was so disappointed in myself.

After that I had a free period, so I walked back to the Freshmen book/bag area where people filed in and out. I tried to seem okay, and I almost got away with it. One of my good friends, "M", took one good look at me and said "Are you okay?", I said nope and started tearing up again. A couple other compassionates in my grade took notice and gave me a hug. M comforted me the best she could and after a good 10 minutes, I had officially stopped crying. It was a rough day and thankfully I lightened up and joked about the bad grade. I thought I would try to hide it because I was so self-conscious about my grades. I was afraid of being judged. And old middle school me would have 100% done that. But I didn't. I told my other friends. We laughed about it. They gave me that pathetic aww and I responded with a dry laugh and an "oh well!". Now as I'm writing this I've realized that I've actually changed. I've grown. I would have never told a soul in my old middle school about my 79 because I would be so ashamed. But today, I remembered that everyone is on the same page. Everyone is like me (most of them are overachievers too) and everyone will hiccup once in a while. And everyone includes me.

At the beginning of the school year, our headmaster told us he hopes all of us fail at least once. Because failure is the only way to learn. C+ isn't exactly an F and I still know a bunch of people who would scorn me for calling it a bad grade, but it felt like failure to me. Also, one of my train buddies, "E", told me yes, she cried once at an advisor meeting. Well, I can check that off my list too. Thanks 2017, for helping me fail, helping me cry, and most importantly, for helping me grow.

-a