a third type of love
i was wracking my brain trying to think of what to write on this god-forsaken website almost a year after the last post was published. it's true: i gave up, got distracted, left the tab open on chrome, and started exploring my google drive files. trying to find secrets i left for myself. i found one which reminded me of a feeling i've held onto for a long time. i'm going to try to share it.
i met a boy two years ago. friends turned into best friends, like turned into love, but wait.
wait.
you read that, didn't you?
you're thinking, 'she met a boy, friends turned into best friends, best friends turned into lovers.' because you saw the word love on your screen and it's easy, almost safe to believe that we loved each other. romantically.
maybe i have no right to share this, but i think i do have the right because i wrote this. i wrote this boy a letter on a special day and who knows where the printed copy is now. but thank god for computers because i have the whole damn letter typed up.
"people see love with a very narrow-minded view. it’s a word reserved only for a romantic attachment and family relationships, but over the course of my life, i’ve realized that the emotional aspect of love does not fit the boundaries of the word: it means so much more. there are many types of love outside of the two that i listed and the only two that (unfortunately) society seems to recognize. i love my closest friends but not in a romantic way and not in the way i love my family either. i don’t have the tools to explain that type of love but it’s one of the most important versions of love in my life. something about me: when i love, i love deeply. this is both a blessing and a curse. i've met and befriended so many poisonous people that i’m cautious with making long term friends and i've even more scared of losing them. i know what heartbreak feels like even though i’ve don't date. people don’t seem to understand that. i hope you get the idea even if not completely.
i’m saying this because i love you."
when i was writing this, i was very vulnerable so forgive me for the cheesiness of the whole thing. but do you kind of understand what i'm trying to say? i don't care about the boy, or the letter, or my vulnerabilities. i care about this in-between love, this feeling. if you have a best friend, maybe you love them like a sibling. but do you have a best friend who you don't love like a sibling? someone that you're glad you don't share the same blood, someone you choose every day, every moment, every conversation you share with them. when you fight, you don't make up like you're siblings (i'm an only child but from the stories i've heard, the way siblings make up after fights is truly a wonder). and you love this person, or these people, with all your heart but not sexually, romantically, or platonically, or like family, or like anything else the world has made a name for. there's this type of love that can't fall into the categories we made. love is complex. multidimensional. unfair. confusing. how do you tell someone who you love how much you love them and how you love them if the words don't really exist.
can love be temporary? is it really love, then? is it the same love? is any two loves the same love?
this is to all the friends i've loved, to all the friends i love, and to those i will love.
xoxo,
A
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